a panic

had a panic today that my life was dictated by everyone/everything but me.

meetings daily, homework, coffee meetings, emailing, phone calls, church services, organizing events, hosting volunteer teams, work at the office, work at the shelter, counseling, reference letters, presentations, hospital visits, sermons to write... hustle bustle... no down time.

then i realized yes...my life IS not my own. that is the way it is to be.

when I chose the life of the ministry i chose that my success is seeing others succeed. my success must be sitting on sidewalk meeting the pan-handler and talk for half an hour despite the fact i haven't taken a proper day off in two weeks and feel so anxious to take an afternoon of anti-social sabatical. it is a life of adventure that is dictated by the fact that I pray in the morning, "not my agenda...yours Lord Jesus. motivate me to love, my God."

yes, i might bitch that i have no time for lee yet it is a joy. really. the greatest joy comes when someone calls and says "help". i prefer goods news on the phone, yet when people include me in their crisis and ask me to sit and mourn with them, there is no other honor comparable.