off on a retreat.
rented a car and leaving to enjoy myself. no real plans, no real destination except north (never been further than edmonton). 2 weeks for peace, or to be lonely....not sure how things will go down.

i used to go to a church in Connaught (westside downtown calgary) and i would always see young men standing on the street corners. this was a long time ago and i didn't have much for street sense at the time. then i got a job at a street ministry and i started recognizing people from the ministry standing on those corners then the realization came that they were male prostitutes.

i got to know some of them and their stories over time. some were my friends. then my church moved and i lost touch with the male prostitute district.

but i've always felt compelled to do something. build relationships. help people with an exit plan if they so desire. have a place for them to stay after a nights work. male prostitution is not a popular subject and i personally don't know a single person in Calgary that has touched the subject, at least no one compelled by the love of Jesus to reach out. maybe someone is doing something? i would love to know. i would love to brainstorm and learn more of the needs of those working the line and be involved in some capacity.

democrew

i can't say i've re-adjusted so well from my 4 months away...but am i supposed to?

i remember saying to myself so much in india that when i get home i will seek peace...nothing matters but living in peace for the summer... a reaction to having no contemplative venue or time.

but then i help run a youth program at a homeless shelter for the past 2 weeks (and another one upcoming)...everything but peace. i felt i made the biggest mistake by involving myself in this program until yesterday when the students talked about their experience. the youth got it. they got it that people without homes are not scary...they got to love Jesus is to love all people of all economic classes...they got it that they are a source of many peoples hope through their concern for others.

i love that when i help run these programs i don't just get to "lead" people in caring for others. i, especially this past week, have learned so much from the students - and those without a home.

i have a couple speaking engagements coming up at a church and a gathering. not looking forward to do these formal presentations on india. i would rather spend personal time with those concerned because a presentation requires a quick drive by that will likely end up with exaggerations on my end and miss conceptions on the other. i don't know how to communicate pleasantly that i hate kolkata. i don't know how to censor the fact that's it's so f'ed up and so full of injustice, pain, poverty, and death. i don't know how to romanticize something disgusting - as a friend said the" arse-hole of the world". i don't know how to explain the euphoria of having a day that you seem to fit into the culture, when things click. how, in 5 minutes, do i begin to describe the 60 ladies i worked with from the red light district that are the most resilient and inspiring people i know. God grant me grace...i don't know where to begin.

smile!

i love them.

Dhaka, Bangladesh

west bengal

i leave for kolkata in 1 day.

left and right

The last few years my political interests have inched into higher priority of my mind space as schooling has forced theological study - and hands-on work at a homeless shelter has enlightened awareness that systems do affect affect people negatively/positively depending on their quality/negligence.

All that to say my father and I often have interesting political conversations. I am left of center, him right. What is amazing is that he doesn't want me to think like him tho. How is that possible? I haven't convinced him that socialism isn't evil, yet he encourages me to continue serving God/Humanity through the way I see best fit. He has even made comments like "I don't know, maybe you have more right answers than I."

My dad is humble and I wish I could replicate his virtue.

under the overpass

hannah and i had wonderful conversation.
just finished "under the overpass" by Mike Yankoski. it's his stories from his 4 months of voluntarily living on the streets in denver, wash dc, portland, san fran, pheonix.

hannah read it a couple years ago.

two things came from our conversation.

1- we both have equally impressive stories from our years working at the seed, but neither of us have journaled them, thus most are forgotten.

2- we are going to spend 3 weeks on the streets of kelowna/vancouver ourselves at the end of Aug. no money. pan-handle. shelters. bridges. lice.

The author of Samuel creates a incredible poetic visualization of covenant relationship with David and Jonathan:

18: ¹Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. (NASB)

Ancient Hebrew covenant practices included such as:
-exchange of outer garments = identities are shared
-exchange of swords = enemies are shared
-exchange of belts = financial resources are shared
-pronouncement of blessings/curses = responsibility to take covenant seriously

This week has been a blessing and a curse. As one thread goes one way, the other thread cannot but follow. That is the beauty in covenant: a broken heart/spirit multiplies itself. I felt like shit a lot this week...because a friend did too, yet maybe it was that discomfort of learning to love better, and trust more in my human companions.

God cannot refuse a broken spirit pleading His intervention.

The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. - Psalm 51:17

How not to quit

Been gone all weekend to YC Edmonton with the youth group.

2 months ago I gave my notice at the church- there has been no announcement from the church yet it had slowly leaked and some of the youth were curious if the news from the grapevine was true.

Anyways, I learned how not to quit. Don't plan your last activity with your youth group to be a 3 day intensive road trip...because you cannot but love your kids more than ever and love their quirky personalities more than ever. Absolutely hated the conference but all the time spent with the kids is now heartbreaking. I thought I could step away from this job without emotion, and I did successfully tell the kids without teary eyes why I am leaving, yet I do have regrets that it's over. Two years and a new season. Two years and I can say that I'm genuinely sad...really heart broken.

talked to nicole. that made my day.
jess is back and i received a big hug. that also made my day.
new friend brian seems fabulous.
my recycling is organized for drop-off.
i have the day off tomorrow.
need a haircut.
planning out the trip to see mewithoutyou in portland and seattle.
new reggae song i'm working on is sounding A grade.

things seem to be falling into place. community meals in kensignton. the discovery of a hospice a 10 minute walk away. a connection to the single-mother apartment complex. friends moving to my neighborhood. and new friends i've made in the neighborhood. anyone want to donate 750,000 so we can purchase a christian community/outreach house in kensignton? really.

happy with my family of friends, yet really want to procreate and have little ones soon.

going out of town for 4 days on friday to mountain aire with new friends i've made at the Seed.
the decision to NOT take summer classes and instead have jam sessions, bbq's, and friends over to riley park for frisbee fun after work shifts.

i sit in bed, 10:40 am.

i've been quite the recluse the last 3 days. maybe it's in protest because two of my bestest friends are in different countries! i think it's because i don't have the mental capacity at the moment to create creative entertainment, a book will do. reading crime & punishment by fyodor dostoyevshky and absolutely loving it.

in my monk state, i did manage to go for a run. i often challenge people to do what makes them feel good (healthy coping), and i decided to take my own advice. the last couple months running has been sporatic.

life is a long gruelling run. paul says so, so does the author of hebrews. "i have run the race, i have fought the good fight..."
we've adopted many metaphors for life: life is like a box of chocolates, life is a party, life's a bitch, life's like a donught: either you're in the dough or in the hole, life's a journey not a destination, et cetera.

ambrose when challenged with the thought that God must be unjust since the good are often in want and the wicked in abundance, made reference to the metaphor of race. he said, paraphrased mind you, that the good's reward are not in this present lifetime. the wicked living in luxury are those who have dropped out of the race, they are merely spectators and receive no glory afterward. something that made me think.

going to meet with hannah at the farmers market, so should shower and eat.

once

feel weird. starting watching the movie 'once', and that lasted 30 minutes. i think i might enjoy it, but movies always bring me on rabbit trails of thoughts, and unless i'm watching a movie with others, will take five or six sittings until i finish.

i'm in an awkward place, not necessarily a bad one. this morning i spent an hour on the sofa without movement. and i thought to myself, i could do this for a month...and then i went to the office.

i heard a preacher on sunday at westside kings make this statement "if you brag about being so busy that you have been neglecting taking the sabath off, it's as stupid as bragging about your porno video collection".

i have an entire wednesday as my sabbath tomorrow. my phone is off. my leisure will be contemplation and praise.

in terms of the rest of my day today, i was offered the job at the seed that i interviewed for. so monday i start in the community education role. i'm happy. that is my skill set, mobilizing youth.

and talked to Ron on the street corner for a while. he was going off on some delightful tangents. i found an article on him dating back from 10 years ago, have a read if you like: http://www.ffwdweekly.com/Issues/1999/0923/cover1.html

and about to light a couple candles and tell jesus that i love him.

many different interpretations

this picture i can stare at for many moments. my friend john took it when we were in gimby ethiopia. my mother actually had it printed onto a large canvas and that hangs on my wall at the office.

what i love is wondering what the donkey is thinking. i think he's vexed that he's carrying fuel for the motorcycle. but there are likely endless interpretation one could have.

was a wonderful day. caught up on sleep. read in riley park. visited my mom. bbq with friends and wonderful dialogue. and i miss you nicole.

arrived home at midnight. was in 6 different states yesturday. that is likely my record.

my mom is in the hospital for a surgery she had on tuesday and i visited her this morning. she's bummed. she downplayed the surgery so much that not a single friend has visited her in the hospital. she commented on the hindu lady beside her room and how she always has heaps of visitors, and she has only had family. is it not integral for the christian to visit the sick? anyways, i'm so proud of my mom. she has a new awarness of the importance of showing love to the lonely in the hospital, and it is definetly something i should be doing more.

had an interview and that went well. played frisbee with jess. went to the cbc used book sell and picked up 5 books for 13 bucks. and ate late night dinner with nathan.

and now ready for the sleep of all sleeps because tomorrow is as busy as always.

back at the same coffee shop as yesterday. took about as much time to find as the first time. jess wasn't impressed as she sweat off 5 pounds on route of a repetition of walking the same blocks thrice over. maybe she's recovered and merciful, either way she agreed to not hold it against me for the next 16 years. o lee!

a quick note.

we are in washington d.c.
i'm in a coffee shop, it took a long while to finally find one with fair trade coffee as starbucks are in abundance and this neighborhood has little local ethical shops. but found one!

it would be boresome if i listed the details of our last few days, but absolutely has been such a wonderful time with my travel friends. i love them.

yesturday we visited the simple way, and really would rather tell people about the community in person, so call me for a tea when i get home! but did have lunch with shane c. and company in their living room and was a wonderful 'simple' experience of cleaning the streets and chatting with some of the neighbors. it's surreal to have read irresistable a couple years ago and the minds eye create something very similar to reality. i am processing, and will be doing a lot more, of how what we've been seeing on this trip is relevent to our culture in calgary and to what application.

and about to go meet jim wallis and get my volunteer training on. it's hot in dc, 32 celcius right now!

so in philly.

i laughed a lot today. jess and paul as well.
going to visit the simple way community in the morning.

off to philly and wash dc !!!

felt a lightness today. wrote a final but didn't matter. what's the difference between an A or B?

able to sit outside the roasterie and listen to a man play guitar just like stevie ray vaughn, he was dressed like stevie ray and made facial gestures like stevie ray. he stopped short one song and told me that god is in everything and would never let anyone experience post mordem harm. i listened. thats what our generation of post modern narrative listeners do well...listen. i'm quite sure his world view is panentheistic. i was in no apologetic (debating) type of mood so just chilled and listened. i had met him two days earlier at a coffee shop and we argued the scholarship issues of the new testatment.

then i sun bathed at riley park. hannah called. jess arrived at the park on her new bike.

went downtown on my skateboard to mec with jess, ate vietnamese subs, and then cafe beano. met a man from the congo. he is a refugee with a disability and on assured income for the severely handicapped. he is sad because his family is back in the violence of the turbulence of the congo, likely in a refugee camp.

and it was nice to chat.
felt a lightness today.

i have no cord to connect my camera to my computer, so the last 8 months or so have been pictureless. but today i was looking at last years pics. i think i'll post a pic every couple days that i just enjoy...


this picture was likely taken on exactly this day, a year ago. it is in Nekept, Ethiopia. i love the reactions from the children as they likely think i'm a ghost, as most in this town had never seen a white person before.

Afghanistan

working at a homeless shelter for 6 1/2 years you see a lot. you hear a lot of stories why people are on the street. when you think you've seen it all, you are constantly mistaken.

this evening, near the end of my shift, a man approaches me at the front door. he smells like body odor, unshaved, broken english, shaking. he shows me his arm, it has a hospital tag bracelet.

he tells me his story. i tell you his story.

he arrived in Calgary this morning. he was rushed to a hospital because his kidneys were not doing good, he was peeing blood. he was just discharged from the hospital with no where to go but they gave him the Mustard Seeds address.

i ask "where did you come from"

he's still shaking, and apparently this was a hard one to answer as he tears up. mexico; but he spent the last 9 days locked in the back of a shipping truck with very little space to even turn around. he arrived in Mexico from Afghanistan on april 4 and made arrangements to be illegally smuggled into Canada so he could apply for refugee status.

9 days, two borders, no room, a couple bags of chips, a couple bottles of water, and a couple bags to pee and poo in. he thought he was going to die. when i talked to him, he hadn't slept once in those 9 days. i cannot imagine. and so i bring him to our shelter, and so begins his life in canada.

i find this super tough. i hear of refugees, but rarely, and this is the first time i've actually been one of the first contacts. when he arrived this morning, he didn't even know where in canada he was. he is so weak, so broken, and emotions on my end can hardly contain it. i pray so hard that canada welcomes him and eases his burdens. i pray that my work place does not fail him and shows him dignity and hospitality. i pray that he will be able to thank God for a new life.

____________________________
July 13 Update

This man I have met with several times since his recent arrival.
He has spent 2 months at the Seed, he has received refugee status, he has received funding from Immigration for $600 a month, and he has just started rented a shared place for $560 a month.

He is in the process of aquiring a work permit, but that will take another month or so to get. So at this point, he is living in poverty with little he can do about it.

I have approached the Seed about giving him donated gift certificates, but they have none. I rarely, scratch that, never ask for money on behalf of others but he genuinely needs help. I recommend gift certificates. We hear of over a billion people globally living on less than a dollar a day, but this is happening here too.

responsible/irresponsible

you know when you should study for your Hermeneutics Final thats in 10 hours, but know you shouldn't study for your Hermeneutics Final...

it's sorta like the backwards kingdom.

we are called by God to be irresponsibly responsible, when society forces the responsibly irresponsible.

i might need to explain.

a lot of what Jesus would have us do would be seen as irresponsible. examples: loving your enemy, selling your belongings and following him, dying to yourself, picking up your cross, turning the other cheek, et cetera... he calls us to be irresponsibly responsible.

society has a different ethics. eg: american dream, 2 cars, nice house, saving accounts, retirement funds, masters degree, beware of strangers, bomb your enemies. thus, being we become responsibly irresponsible.

what does this have to do with me not studying? well, i'm going to take 10 minutes of study time to share a story in the next post. i feel my time will best be used replaying what i just experienced, and how i feel about it... read next blog....

a saturday of ...

my day...
i didn't pick up my phone once.
i locked myself out of the apartment
i drank coffee on the patio, it was too cold at 9 am but did none-the-less
my nose turned red, i have a cold
i started a new book
i watched some of cricket in the park
i ran into several people i know at the market collective
i drank a bevy on a patio with friends
i searched for male friends on blogspot, found none
i searched female friends on blogspot, found many
i only ate a bagel, nachos, and an ice cream sandwich, my appetite leaves with my cold
i recorded a reggae song
i self-medicated with gravol and advil
i wrote my mayor and aldermen
i did the dishes...some of dishes...enough dishes for nachos
i showered twice
i didn't change the world

typical

in typical lee fashion, i missed out.

apparently there was an awards ceremony at college, and apparently i won two scholarships, apparently you can win scholarships without applying for them, and apparently i should have known i won two scholarships because apparently i was emailed about them.

anyways, i wasn't able to give a speech :( i think my classmates have likely heard enough of me go off on tangents tho.

i honestly thought the faculty hated me for my antics. but maybe not. i feel honored that they've awarded me. i should email them and let them know that.

this might seem like an isolated incident but it's not. once all the staff at the Mustard Seed had a large lunch in honor of me leaving (i quit, yet i returned a couple months later). there were about 60 of them and none of me. i was reading a book and brendan called me and told me i was an idiot. i mention that's not a nice way to start a conversation and then he reminds me of my going away party that i was missing. wow.

i think, somehow, someway, i will miss my own funeral. everyone will be gathered to remember me and pray blessings on my soul, and my corpse will have been delivered to the wrong chapel.

a panic

had a panic today that my life was dictated by everyone/everything but me.

meetings daily, homework, coffee meetings, emailing, phone calls, church services, organizing events, hosting volunteer teams, work at the office, work at the shelter, counseling, reference letters, presentations, hospital visits, sermons to write... hustle bustle... no down time.

then i realized yes...my life IS not my own. that is the way it is to be.

when I chose the life of the ministry i chose that my success is seeing others succeed. my success must be sitting on sidewalk meeting the pan-handler and talk for half an hour despite the fact i haven't taken a proper day off in two weeks and feel so anxious to take an afternoon of anti-social sabatical. it is a life of adventure that is dictated by the fact that I pray in the morning, "not my agenda...yours Lord Jesus. motivate me to love, my God."

yes, i might bitch that i have no time for lee yet it is a joy. really. the greatest joy comes when someone calls and says "help". i prefer goods news on the phone, yet when people include me in their crisis and ask me to sit and mourn with them, there is no other honor comparable.

wilco

if i wasn't listening to wilco, i would be depressed that it's 10pm on a saturday and i'm writting an ethics paper on just-war/pacifism, environmental conservation, and pre-enlightenment/post-modern narratives.

i love jesus. sometimes when you pray audibly and thank God for his sacrifice on the cross it hits hard. that is the power of the gospel, this sacred sacrifice. paul at times mentioned that he intensionaly forgot everything except the cross. the things i can make the faith have nothing to do with this at times, yet what a thing to contemplate: sacrificial love.

work at the Seed went well. i was told i was f*ck face a couple times and that's ok.

What a day of ups and downs.

It started with an ethics class on divorce and remarriage. According to how things look, I'm pooched. Some indirectly concluded the following (prof. included):
- Lee's ex-wife apostated
- Lee's ex-wife committed adultery
- Lee's ex-wife left him
- Lee's ex-wife got pregnant with another man
- Lee's ex-wife divorced Lee
- Yet Lee is not allowed to remarry because of the text of the New Testament

I could not but feel like a second-class person after this lecture. How could you not really?! Did God not give us a brain to discern what is appropriate or not? Is not the bible absent of many situations that arise (such as an abused wife? can she not re-marry too?) ? Is a covenant breech from one party find the other guilty too? Are you not allowed to have children or a family because you're partner did, with the wrong person?

It's weird to think that I wouldn't feel guilty before God getting re-married, yet some interpret the text of God as something that would condemn me. How do victims fit into this really? It doesn't say yet we cling on to such commands that are not addressing the same situations and make dogma.

Lord judge me, others please leave it to him to so and i'll be happy or damned by it.

Then I went to a wonderful party at Angel's house. My friends made me food and loved on me. And they hugged me. And I knew I had a Christian family who loved me as I am. I knew Jesus was present in these sacred relationships. I knew that my covenant relationships do not have to include marriage or consummation.

Grey Hairs

as part of my school program I had to attend a missions conference this weekend. i arrive and i say to myself...oh no...there are a lot of grey hairs here.

but my opinions of elder missionaries changed so much this weekend. i was thinking, as all the missionary representatives at their booths were old, that they need to retire and get some fresh bodies to attract young adults to missions, otherwise missions will die.

i will not go into detail of what the speakers said, yet i can honestly tell you that i was more challenged by a 75 year old then Shane Claiborne could ever do...and despite my judgments of older Albertans being ultra-conservative (and war mongers) and interested only in the proclamation of the gospel, i heard testimonies that shook my boat of 70 year olds living in slum communities along side whom they were ministering to.

the most precious moment was a conversation with a man (likely 85) in a justice session. upon realizing that a hot dog at an nfl football game costs more than what over a billion people live on in a week, he said that he was going to talk to his wife about selling his house and moving to a trailer park since he could likely make 200,000 to give to the poor in Africa.

wow. i always talk about selling my shit and giving it to the poor and haven't (and i barely own anything so it really wouldn't even be a sacrifice), yet he was moved even at his age to sacrifice for the poor (at the expense of his childrens inheritance). i cannot disregard the elders. my heart has been moved.

a fish out of water

received an invitation to meet Jim Wallis (activist, author, founder of sojourners, that guy who wrote the forward to Irresistible Revolution). that excites me. one month and i can cross him off my list (of 3) people i wish to meet before parousia.

quite likely one of the most influential people in my faith journey. there is nothing in particular i wish to say to him, yet i know conversation usually comes quite natural. except last night, i went and introduced myself to the lead singer of the Great Lake Swimmers and buddy-o was not so reciprocally generous desiring getting to know me! (i was going to invite him out for a tea...yet after the awkward one sided conversation of me asking him heeps, him asking me goose-egg...i wanted my concert money back!).

adventures in missing the point

not a fan of anti-abortion activists. was at the university of calgary this afternoon and they have pictures of holocaust victims along side pictures of aborted babies. and then people walking around with signs saying stuff like "if you are post-abortion distraught, call this number___"

do they serve the same God as me? i hope not. how in sam's are they extending love and grace? does not the measure we use against others the one God will use against us (ironic that i'm judging them considering what i just wrote). would not efforts be better used by showing love and preventing abortions by creating alternatives? have you not just driven those experiencing shame to suicidal thoughts?

at first when i read about this display, i thought to myself "well, at least they are doing something rather than nothing". then as i walked by spirit cried. my heart was crushed. not for the aborted babies...but for the distressed...and for the tactless activists. i wish they were doing nothing rather than 'that' something.

i was thinking of a response to that demonstration. i'm positive that i could get dozens of counter-protestors and completely slander them...yet what example does that set? i believe it is our role to create an environment for expecting mothers who see no other option to abort to live (and have their child) without financial burden with safety nets of a loving community that would sacrifice their comfortable lives to save lives. not just make people feel like shit.